Did anyone fire the starting gun? Well, I didn't hear it go off!

So the blind panic that means the real start of A(ZX)103 has begun. Although the 1st batch of stuff arrived in October and I had been working on AGSG quite casually since then, I kinda had the impression (like others on this course) that it all really got going in Feb! WRONG!! A quick proper glance at TMA01 proves that I've not made a good start on this.

It wasn't until last week when my tutor got in touch by post that I realised my number was up and I really started going mad. I hadn't even done the Preparatory Booklet let alone start tackling the 1st assignment - and the former takes 4 weeks!!! Cue stress pains, endless worrying and panicky posts to the A103 Study room. So knowing my prime weakness - not having written an arts essay since 1992 - I had this gut feeling that I needed to at least skim through the PB to get a rough idea of how to approach TMA1. This did involve going back to the AGSG to refresh bits which normally would be fine but, god, I am a slow reader. Not in the conditional/medical sense but in the 'I really need to fully understand this so start again' sense.

The book is excellent but it also filled me with a lot of self-doubt (as did PB at times) when it came to exercises. I'd study the 'text', think about it and then answer the question. Then I found out I'd missed 'the syntax', 'the figure of Christ in the distance' or 'the light sounding language used' etc. I wondered if I really should be doing this at all and wasting valuable money on all of this. But it did make me think. The one underlying theme I got from both books was 'don't just look at [the text] in a linear way, look at the other angles'.

Once I completed the important bits of AGSG I quickly moved on to the PB properly and by Saturday, I started my first written piece on the arts. Bloody hell, it was hard - I had writer's block from the off. The sentences sounded all clunky and long as I strained to get a good argument going on the Loughborough bell tower (carillon, my arse). Three hours and after several re-writes, I was done. Then I made two stupid mistakes:

1. I posted this to someone who I'd met on the A103 Study Room; and
2. I got very pissed.

Just before I went to bed I got a reply. By that time, I was in no state to accept constructive criticism and I took my fellow student's comments the wrong way. She was fair to me, in retrospect, but at the time I really was hurt that all that hard work was 'rubbish' and cried. I told Alison to cancel everything & use the money more usefully. What a silly bugger I was! I should have read the ending -'Not bad for a 1st effort'. D'oh!

The next day, I began again and moved onto the tres difficile Spencer/statues bit. I made a right balls-up with one of the exercises. I thought it was just asking for a list of things I could see in the painting and I completely ignored the essay bit. I should have known that this would be the last time I would have a chance to experiment with my writing style with plenty of time to spare. I was really annoyed afterwards.

I've gone as far as I can now in terms of the subjects in the PB - the last chapter is all exercises which I have not got the time to do. The 'War Poets' bit was excellent and put me back on a relatively even keel (I missed a few 'clues' again, though). So, I managed to 'do' 4 weeks work in less than 6 days. Well, not really. I should have done this properly and started before Xmas. Then I could have worked & thought it through it properly and avoided the panic I'm having now. To make it worse, the 2nd mailout arrived today - it's f**king enormous. Oh dear, I'm going to lie down now.

Tomorrow is the big day - I start the TMA01 for real! I have one week to do it! ARRRGH! And I'm definitely NOT opening the breezeblock above that is the next stage - it'll freak me out too much! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!